Thursday, April 5, 2012

All Smiles Aboard (Explicit)

Every day I check all of the local listings to see what jobs are available.  I am being picky, but if there is something that really catches my eye, I apply.  I check the local newspapers, the state and federal job listings, and the WV Bar website.  I was told that education would open doors for me, give me choices.  The doors it opens, however, are not always the ones I want to enter.  Having a law degree usually overqualifies me or underqualifies me for the jobs I am most interested in.  Recently, however, I saw a "now hiring" sign at the mall for a job I think I would be well-suited for.

The "all smiles aboard" logo demonstrates how important the happiness
of the employees and customers is to the employer.
This job would be perfect for me.  You see, I took a class in college called "Tracking across America."  We learned everything there is to know about trains and even took the luxurious Amtrak to visit the B&O Railroad Museum.  All of my knowledge about trains can finally be put to use.  If you are from the Huntington, West Virginia area, you have probably seen this train, full of children and cruising around the mall.
I can't imagine that this job would have a high turnover rate.
For only $3.00 per person, you and your children can ride around the central concourse of the mall in a train that blares an Alvin and the Chipmunks rendition of "Moves like Jagger."  The conductor's job, from what I can gather, is to drive the train around without crashing into anything or anyone.  If someone gets in the train's path, the conductor rings a bell.

If I apply for this job, I'm going to suggest they kill two birds with one stone by repeatedly playing a Chipmunks version of the Ludacris song "Move Bitch."  That way people will already know to "get out the way" without being offended by a loud bell.

I would also ask if we could increase the train's speed.  This would make things more exciting for both the passengers and the shoppers.  Any money lost through personal injury lawsuits would be made up for in increased ticket sales.

Anyway, those are just some ideas.


  1. ROFLMAO. no but seriously, I'm cracking up right now. Can't wait to hang soon!!!!!

  2. Dead! I am dead. The picture of you with a conductor hat and the song on has killed me.