Wednesday, July 18, 2012

March of the Popsicle® Pop

To the Cherry Yosicle Duo by Popsicle® residing in my stomach:

Tonight I relaxed on the couch while savoring your fruity shell and its creamy vanilla center.  Like any good Popsicle® pop enthusiast, I was looking forward to the joke on your stick.  When I freed you from your crinkly white wrapper, I had certain expectations:

1.  To read a joke at the bottom of your stick.

2.  To eat you.  

3.  To have a clever punchline revealed to me.  

4.  To chuckle.  

Tonight you failed me on step 3.  Your punchline wasn't clever.  It didn't even make sense.  

You're the kind of Popsicle® pop that would tell
a kid you were taking them to Disney World
and then take them to the dentist instead.
"What is the calendar's favorite music?"


That's a command, not music.  If the stick said "a march," then maybe I would have envisioned the patriotic music of John Philip Sousa, and thought "Calendar? A March? I see the connection."  Even then, it would have been a bad joke.

Think of it this way, Popsicle® pop:  What if I said, "Hey, Jared, what's your favorite music?"  and Jared responded, "March."  

Then Jared would be stupid.  Just like your joke.

You should have put something like "What do you give a snake with allergies?" "Anti-hiss-tamines."  I saw that one on another stick once.  It was pretty good.

The point is, without a clever punchline, I didn't get to chuckle.  And that means I have to eat another Popsicle® pop.  Let's just hope your grape-flavored friend has something a little better hidden underneath.


Your Disgruntled Consumer

P.S. I used your trademark symbol and the generic modifier "pop" because the Popsicle® company is a stick-ler (see? it's not that hard) for trademark protection.  Excerpt from the website:

"Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® are registered trademarks of the Unilever Group of Companies and can only be used to identify the frozen confection products of Unilever. They may not be used to refer to frozen confection products of other companies or frozen confection products generally. Misuse of these trademarks may violate Unilever’s very valuable rights.

Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® are brand names that should be used with the trademark registration symbol (i.e., ®) and a proper generic modifier (e.g., Popsicle® pops or ice pops, Creamsicle® cream pops or bars and Fudgsicle® fudge pops or bars).

The Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® trademarks should never be used as nouns.  For example, it is not correct to say “I’d like a Popsicle.” It is correct to say “I’d like a Popsicle® ice pop...

...So now that you know the cold facts, do the cool thing and stay on the right side of the law. Use Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® only to identify our products, use these trademarks correctly, and don’t use them for any other purpose without our permission. We appreciate your cooperation."--

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Making the C Diff-erence

I hate that my blog has recently sounded like a journal for my misadventures in health, but as sung by OK Go, here it goes again.  My tooth abscess went away due to my noble white blood cells (bless those who fell) and an antibiotic called clindamycin.  All was well until clindamycin, that turncoat bitch, switched teams and gave me something called clostridium difficile (known by her friends as c. diff).

I went to a walk-in clinic on Tuesday because I was sick to my stomach and having aches and chills.  Apparently, I had a fever of 101 and a resting pulse rate of 140.  The doctor said he was afraid the infection had spread from the abscess to my blood, and he sent me to the ER.

I had never been to the ER, so I was scared, but the nurses and doctors there were great.  They discovered that the real culprit was c. diff, hooked me up to some IVs to hydrate me and get my pulse down, and started me on a new antibiotic.

What?  Needles scare me.
Before I left the hospital, the doctor said, "now the diarrhea might get a lot worse before it gets better, but just keep taking the medicine."

And would you know that doctor was right?

For anyone who has had a severe stomach illness as an adult, you can probably relate.  It humbles you; takes you back to babyhood.  My life over the next few days felt as simple as shampoo directions:  poop, sleep, repeat.  Did I have an accident in my sleep?  Maybe.  Maybe I had two.  Who really keeps track of these things anyway?

Today I was able to eat non-gelatinous food with no repercussions, which means I am on the mend and back on track with my blog.  Consider this post my official IOU for a forthcoming non-health related blog update.

And here is a cute picture to help you forget everything you just read:


Friday, July 6, 2012

It's Electric... Boogie Woogie!

Like most West Virginians, I lost my electric (and water) last Friday night.  My dad and his wife were the only ones in the family that had electricity, plus they just put in a pool a few weeks ago.  Naturally, all of their children, grandchildren, and a few wayward friends gathered at their place on Saturday.  My step-sister Demetria and I spent a lot of the day teaching our 7-year-old nephew Sean to swim.  By the end of the day he could go the length of the pool on his own.  I'm so proud!

Michael Phelps, I'd like you to meet your newest rival.

My niece, Lola, is fearless when it comes to water.

The higher you toss her in the air, the more she loves you.
Picture by John Midkiff.
Now that's a kid who loves life.
Picture by your's truly.
A day of extreme heat, no water, and no electricity, turned out to be one of the best days I've had in a long time because of the amazing people I spent it with.  Not that I would have any right to complain anyway.  I feel horrible for the employees who have spent every day working overtime in the heat away from their families.  Thank you!

In other news, for the past month or so the left side of my face has been tingly and sore.  My doctor  said it was probably just a sinus infection and put me on antibiotics.  The antibiotics didn't help, and the pain got worse.  Then my front teeth started to ache, and I found a lump on my face right under my nose.

I made an appointment with the dentist yesterday, and took a seat in the waiting room beside a colorful aquarium.  This guy swam over, nonchalantly, and attempted to suck out my soul.  I think he was a Dementor. 

Expecto Patronum, asshole!
The dentist took an x-ray and it turns out I have an abscess above my front-side tooth that has eaten away some of the surrounding bone.  It is really big, and I'm strangely proud of it.

I know they say size doesn't matter...
The dentist scheduled me an appointment later that afternoon with an endodontist who cut open the abscess, put me on different antibiotics, and scheduled me for a root canal on July 16th.  The best part of this whole experience was how lovely I looked after the procedure.

Watch out Gotham City, there's a new villain in town.