Friday, May 25, 2012

Matthew 7:3

I woke up this morning with a list of things I wanted to get done:  jog, work on the final two chapters of my book, put together the rest of my office furniture, and install an antique doorknob on my office door (it is currently doorknobless).  My brother, Matt, met me at the office to help chip away some of the wood on the door so the locking mechanism would fit.  A pile of sawdust collected inside one of the holes in the door, and I bent down and blew on it like an idiot.  The sawdust, aka hundreds of tiny splinters, flew back directly into my left eye.  I ran to the bathroom and rinsed it out as best I could, but it continued to ache and water.  I decided to go to the nearest drug store and get some eye drops.

I brought a box of Clear Eyes to the cashier at Rite Aid, tears streaming down the left side of my face.

"Hi, how are you today?" the cashier said with a smile.

"I'm okay, you?" I answered.

"I'm doing just fine.  It sure is beautiful outside today."

"Yes, it is."

"Are you a Rite Aid Wellness Rewards member?"

"No."  (Actually I am.  In fact, I am a free rewards member of nearly every store I have ever been to.  But I wanted to speed the process along, as I was tweaking for my drops).

The cashier looked at my puffy face, my eye swollen half shut.  "Would you like to sign up to become a Wellness Rewards member?"

"Just give me the goods!" I wanted to yell.  Instead I said, "No, thank you for asking though."

"Sure! I've been meaning to sign up for a Wellness card.
Now seems like as good a time as any."
I put the drops in my eye as soon as I got to the car, but they didn't do any good.  It occurred to me that there might still be several splinters lodged in my eyeball.  I could be blind within hours!

I drove to Immediate Care, awkwardly, as my depth perception wasn't optimal.  The clerk at the front desk set a simple 3 question form in front of me.  The first question asked about my race.  I glanced down and saw a choice that said "white, nonhispanic" and I checked it confidently.  The clerk stared at me with a smirk, so I looked back at the form and saw "Caucasian" listed as the top option.

"It asks which race I identify with the most," I said, justifying my choice instead of changing it.  Anyway, I am white, and I'm not hispanic.  It was like taking the bar exam all over again.  Several answers are correct, but which is the most correct?

The doctor irrigated my eye and did a dye test to check for scratches.  There was a scratch, and I was given some antibiotic ointment and numbing eye drops, and sent on my merry way.  You will be happy to know that my prognosis is good.

Also, Matt finished installing the doorknob for me because he is my big brother and he is awesome.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Wino and I Know

I feel terrible for neglecting my blog, but it has been a busy week.  On the law front, I worked on getting my new office in order (it is freshly painted and I will have pictures soon), met with several Judges regarding appointment work, attended a continuing legal education seminar, and did some volunteer work at Legal Aid.

On Friday some friends and I went to Huntington's new wine bar, Sip.  We each tried a different "flight" of 3 wines.  The wine was good, the bar looked great, and the owners were really nice.  I love how hard they are working to promote other local businesses and artists.  For example, they get the bread for their appetizers from the nearby River and Rail Bakery and decorated the bar with work from local artists.

Sarah, Anna, and me, Jenna.

I give the interior of the bar an A+

I tried to take an artistic photo of my wine
and here's the result.

On Saturday morning I worked at a rummage sale.  The sale was conveniently held next door to the home of a genuine hoarder who came to peruse our merchandise at least 6 times during a 4 hour period.  On several occasions she bought clothes, returned home to change into them, and came back to do more shopping in her new threads.  During last year's rummage sale this same woman asked if she could just take any unsold items back to her home.  The whole situation felt almost dirty, like putting a Krispy Kreme next to a Weight Watchers, but the woman seemed to genuinely enjoy herself and she got some great bargains.

Later that afternoon I volunteered at a local wine tasting.  Either I know more about wines than I thought (I don't), or many of us in attendance were wine-ignorant and just pretending otherwise for fun.  The qualifications for pouring at the wine tasting included showing up.  I quickly learned that as long as I said something with confidence, I could pass as a fellow wine enthusiast.

"Try this one," I would say.  "It is a dry sparkling wine with a hint of lemon zest."  
"Ah, I can really taste the distinct lemon aftertaste," the taster would respond.  

If I said, "this is a high quality Moscato," the taster would smile and nod.  Conversely, if I said "I find this Moscato to be a bit too sweet," the taster would pucker.  

This song and dance reminded me of the story of the Emperor's New Clothes.  I waited nervously for the patron who would publicly denounce me on my wine ignorance.

The view from my station right before the festival started.
What a boring picture.

On Saturday night we threw my friend Courtney a surprise going away party at Tahona Grille, a local Mexican/Italian/Burger restaurant.  Huntington has several of these hybrid restaurants, the most notable being "Flapjack Tenampa," a Mexican pancake house.  Anyway, Courtney and her husband are moving to Florida.  I will miss them terribly, but I already have plans to travel to Florida, kidnap Courtney, and take her to Harry Potter World.  It's my way of coping.

The lovely lady in the center is my friend Courtney.  
She is moving to Florida, which is a mean thing to do to her friends.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Mystery Solved!

Well, the facts are now in regarding my stolen debit card.  I contacted Walmart and figured out the culprit.  

My debit card was used by Ruth, in an Ohio Walmart,
to buy a new laptop computer.
My apologies to Ruth from Ohio, whom I've never met, for making wild assumptions about about your taste in Walmart merchandise.  I will clear up any misunderstandings immediately.  

A look at Ruth's Facebook page actually reveals her interests to be:  God, The Holy Bible, Ozzy Osbourne, Applebee's, computer games (she appears to be quite the Cityville and Farmville enthusiast), CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (oh, the irony), Campbell's condensed soup, and Friskies Brand Premium Cat Food.  She likes hot chocolate, and wishes she could live at the beach for the rest of her life. She has a special affinity for disaster films.

This was also on her page:

Ruth needs a Desktop Computer to finish their City Sam Offices!

Ruth is working hard to build a new City Sam Offices in CityVille and could use your help. You'll earn one for lending a hand, too.
Ruth, you old bag!  If you really needed a new computer for Cityville, why didn't you just ask?  You could use my debit card for the purchase!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Pug Meme 2: Most Interesting Pug in the World

Her breath is so outrageous, it led to the invention of breath mints.

She once ate a dollar... and pooped out a twenty.

The vet refused to spay her, claiming that his conscience would not let him alter something so perfect.

She won Best in Show at Westminster for three consecutive years.  She never even entered.

Cesar Chavez obeys her commands.

She is the most interesting pug in the world.

"I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I wake up in strange places.

Friday, May 11, 2012

To the Person Who Stole My Debit Card Number...

Yesterday I found out that my debit card number was stolen and used to make some expensive purchases.  I keep telling myself that the person who stole my debit card number and bought $485 worth of stuff at Walmart was buying baby food and diapers for their children who would otherwise have to go without.  Or maybe the thief was just trying to buy his or her poor grandmother her heart pills at the Walmart pharmacy (I often hear the elderly make mention of "heart pills.")  This type of thinking is what I use to keep my anger manageable in these situations.

Somehow, though, I think the purchase breakdown would look more like this:

Skull-emroidered subwoofer : $129.00

Confederate Alphabet Book: $14.44

Tweety Attitude Steering Wheel Cover : $8.54

Extenze Male Enhancement Formula : $28.36

Milwaukee's Best, 32 oz. can : $2.00

Flipping the Bird T-Shirt : $7.50

Identigene DNA Paternity Test Kit : $27.58
RCA 32" HDTV : $267.58

Causing an unsuspecting victim to have to cancel their debit card and file a claim with their bank's fraud department in hopes of getting money back that they never spent in the first place?


Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Artist's Way is Tribal

Spring is the season for growth and rebirth, and this year things seem to be coming up Jenna.

First, Panera Bread recently introduced a fresh fruit pastry that pairs well with my morning hazelnut coffee.  I asked the cashier if she would recommend that I go out on a limb and try this new pastry.  She told me there is only one word to describe it:  "delicious."  While it is no cheese danish, I'll admit it's pretty damn good.

Looking good, fresh fruit pastry.  What is your secret?

Second, my friend Adam, who I have known since high school, came in town last week and asked me to meet him for lunch.  He is also rearranging his life plans to accommodate his passion for writing.  During lunch, Adam told me that he is reading a book by Julia Cameron called "The Artist's Way."  He advised me to buy it (which I did yesterday) and told me that it gives a lot of helpful advice for anyone trying to develop their creative process.  He also told me that it says "the artist's way is tribal."

We both laughed at that phrase because, well, it sounds funny.  But it's true.  It is far easier to stay on track if you are in touch with people who have goals similar to yours.  I took a writing course last fall, and I still meet up occasionally with my classmates so we can share our work and get feedback.  The advice I have received from other writers has been invaluable.

By the end of lunch, Adam and I agreed to send each other our full manuscripts (my book and his book of poetry).  It was the first time I shared my entire book with anyone.  I worried that Adam would think my writing is underdeveloped and awkward; the same sort of worries I would have were I sharing a nude picture.  Sharing your writing, especially the chapters that are still raw and unfinished, is incredibly personal.  But, nerves aside, I am so grateful to have a friend willing to help me better my work.

Within two days, Adam was already giving me incredible feedback.  I really think Adam's advice will get me one step closer to sending out my final manuscript.  I am now halfway through his book of poetry, and I am incredibly impressed.  He has a way of writing phrases that stick with you, because of both their sound and meaning.

As for my law firm, I have now submitted the contract for my malpractice insurance, bought an office phone, and picked out the paint colors for my office which will be located in Barboursville.  I feel so grown up and professional.  I will post pictures as soon as my office is in order.  I'm thinking that a cow theme might work.

The website calls this a cow sofa, though I think it would have been more
clever and straightforward to refer to it as a "cowch." Picture Source

I could even refer to my office as the "corral," which is something I've wanted to do ever since I thought of it a few seconds ago.  My ads can say something like, "I will win you lots of moo-lah, and that's no bull!"  Okay.  I'm done.  Also, I swear I am going to take my law firm very seriously.  I'm just getting this out of my system.

On an aside, I have received text messages from multiple people informing me that my Facebook picture has been showing up next to other people's names on their news feeds.  This unintentional photo-bombing freaks me out a bit.  Examples:

Is this happening to anyone else?  And if it is only happening with my picture, can we collectively start referring to it as "Jenna-rolling?"

Friday, May 4, 2012

Shave the Baby?

Two of my good friends recently had a beautiful baby boy.  I went to the hospital to meet the little guy, and while visiting, the conversation somehow turned to a children's doll called "Breast Milk Baby."  I found the idea fascinating, so I did some Googling and found that this doll was a point of controversy about a year ago.  This is how it works:  The child puts on a top that has fake nipples with sensors.  When the doll's mouth comes in contact with the sensor, it makes a suckling noise.  I've inserted the promotional video from the doll's website below.

I'm trying to piece together how I feel about this doll.  The makers of the doll argue that it is appropriate and necessary because it explains what mommy is doing when she breastfeeds, and because it encourages little girls to make the decision to breastfeed in the future.

I myself had a "Baby Alive" doll when I was little.  It cried and ate and pooped.  I tossed the doll around, occasionally gave it a bottle of water, and refused to change its diapers.  Had my "Baby Alive" been a real baby, CPS would have taken it away within hours.  I don't think the doll had any profound impact on my future parenting decisions.  At least, I hope not.

My issue lies not with the idea behind doll, but with the flowered nipple bikini top, and the doll's cost of $69.99.  It is simple cost/benefit analysis.  I have no problem with a little girl imitating mommy and pretending to breastfeed their baby doll, or stuffed Elmo, or the family dog.  I just don't think it's necessary to spend 70 bucks on a doll made specifically for that purpose.  And while breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful thing, so is sex, and we don't target toddlers with dolls used to directly influence their future sexual decisions (i.e. baby doll condom accessories to encourage future safe sex).  That's because toddlers are not equipped to make such decisions, nor should they be.  (I'm sure some will argue that all toys are used to influence the future decisions of toddlers.  I'm not getting that philosophical).

Overall, I think this toy is harmless and depends on the personal preference of the parent.  There are certainly legitimate arguments for the practicality of "Breast Milk Baby," unlike "Shave the Baby," which has no practical value whatsoever.

I sure as hell don't want to encourage my future child to bring a razor blade near their baby sibling, even if my hypothetical second born does show up with a curly red under-beard and matching fur shinguards.  

I can shave my own baby thank you very much.