Wednesday, July 18, 2012

March of the Popsicle® Pop

To the Cherry Yosicle Duo by Popsicle® residing in my stomach:

Tonight I relaxed on the couch while savoring your fruity shell and its creamy vanilla center.  Like any good Popsicle® pop enthusiast, I was looking forward to the joke on your stick.  When I freed you from your crinkly white wrapper, I had certain expectations:

1.  To read a joke at the bottom of your stick.

2.  To eat you.  

3.  To have a clever punchline revealed to me.  

4.  To chuckle.  

Tonight you failed me on step 3.  Your punchline wasn't clever.  It didn't even make sense.  

You're the kind of Popsicle® pop that would tell
a kid you were taking them to Disney World
and then take them to the dentist instead.
"What is the calendar's favorite music?"


That's a command, not music.  If the stick said "a march," then maybe I would have envisioned the patriotic music of John Philip Sousa, and thought "Calendar? A March? I see the connection."  Even then, it would have been a bad joke.

Think of it this way, Popsicle® pop:  What if I said, "Hey, Jared, what's your favorite music?"  and Jared responded, "March."  

Then Jared would be stupid.  Just like your joke.

You should have put something like "What do you give a snake with allergies?" "Anti-hiss-tamines."  I saw that one on another stick once.  It was pretty good.

The point is, without a clever punchline, I didn't get to chuckle.  And that means I have to eat another Popsicle® pop.  Let's just hope your grape-flavored friend has something a little better hidden underneath.


Your Disgruntled Consumer

P.S. I used your trademark symbol and the generic modifier "pop" because the Popsicle® company is a stick-ler (see? it's not that hard) for trademark protection.  Excerpt from the website:

"Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® are registered trademarks of the Unilever Group of Companies and can only be used to identify the frozen confection products of Unilever. They may not be used to refer to frozen confection products of other companies or frozen confection products generally. Misuse of these trademarks may violate Unilever’s very valuable rights.

Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® are brand names that should be used with the trademark registration symbol (i.e., ®) and a proper generic modifier (e.g., Popsicle® pops or ice pops, Creamsicle® cream pops or bars and Fudgsicle® fudge pops or bars).

The Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® trademarks should never be used as nouns.  For example, it is not correct to say “I’d like a Popsicle.” It is correct to say “I’d like a Popsicle® ice pop...

...So now that you know the cold facts, do the cool thing and stay on the right side of the law. Use Popsicle®, Creamsicle® and Fudgsicle® only to identify our products, use these trademarks correctly, and don’t use them for any other purpose without our permission. We appreciate your cooperation."--

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