What Does Your Toilet Say About You? (Figuratively)

Remodeling my bathroom has led me to learn about and purchase several new items.  I finally broke down and bought a caulk gun (see my previous Caulking on Sunshine post), I learned what aisle of Home Depot wood putty is in, and bought my very own power sander.  My most fascinating purchase, however, was the new toilet.

I had no idea there are so many commode options are out there.  It felt like buying a car, only without the guidance of a Kelley Blue Book.  Do I want my toilet to be tricked out with a dual flushing system (one button for #1s and another button for #2s)?  What about color?  White?  Ivory?  Beige?  Not to mention the age-old elongated versus round debate!  If you are environmentally sensitive (like me), then you obviously will want a high-efficiency toilet to save water.  If you are handicapable, you might want to say "I do" to the taller model.

And, oh, the names!  Here are just a few of my favorites:

The Cadet 3 Bone.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

The Stinson Biscuit.
I thought this name sounded lame, but then it reminded me of
the small yet talented Seabiscuit.  He was a badass.

Prelude.
This one just sounds pretentious.  Get off your, high horse,
Prelude.  You are a dirty coprophile, just like your comrades.

Champion 4 MAX .
This toilet is only for real men, sort of like
Dr. Pepper 10.  I blushed just looking at it.

Value Toilet.
They saved money by not coming up with a clever name,
and passed the savings on to us, the consumers.

Anyway, after much deliberation, I settled for the American Standard Cadet 3 FloWise Complete Right Height High Efficiency.

Don't let us down, Cadet 3.  We're relying on you, soldier.